Nothing.....thats what it feels like

AT ZERO

The eventual outcome of a black-pit depression, or a manic period, may well be arrival at a point where there is nothing left. Nothing financially, nothing emotionally, nothing to hang on to as a possible rebuilding process. Staring vacantly out of the window or at the walls, and the sense of having died inside.
The blackness of depression may have lifted, but has left a shell, a numbed emptiness, a total lack of direction and hope. Efforts seem trivial and puny, the days pass without significance, and there may be a feeling that absolutely nothing good or useful can ever happen again. It is a period after the storm where the wreckage remains, it feels like Zero.

In my own case, this meant wife gone, car repossessed, eviction notices, phones cut off, and my long manic drives reduced to maybe walking to the nearest shop once a week, praying that no former friends would see me. Walking empty of feeling, neither wanting to be our or indoors. It’s hard,and maybe pointless, to explain to a doctor that we are not actually depressed, but we feel like nothing. There is no medication for nothingness. Usually our families will settle for “There is something wrong with you” and leave it at that. The fact is we have been through a severe phase of illness, and are stunned by it’s after effects, and we once again find ourselves without the skills or motivation to cope with the situation. And worse still, we may well be setting ourselves up for another bout of severe depression. A good time to get into a group, and hang on. Find someone else who has been through it, and come out the other side.

We are no different in a sense that a person recovering from a bad road accident. The pain has mostly stopped, but we may have to learn to walk again, to lie down again, and even communicate again. We cannot remember the last time we were in a situation with somebody who cares and understands us. Life feels as thin a paper, like a mockery of all our former dreams and hopes. It is possible that sharing openly with others maybe the only salvation at this point.

This is the time to choose; get worse, or get better. “get busy living, or get busy dying” (The Shawshank Redemption). For me stagnation is only sliding down hill in disguise. When I awake, the first choice is simple. Get worse or get better.
When the lethargy hits, I can stop or walk slow. Any kind of movement is better than giving in to the nothingness, any menial task, any walk, any phone call.

Somehow or other, we chose life. Having done so, it’s worth a bit of pain to have a crack at it.

Get well, help others.



Mike. march 2007